Try to imagine the worst thing in the world- that your child has died. Try to imagine never seeing your child again...ever!!! Never hearing her laugh or the sound of her voice, never smelling the scent that you have come to know as hers alone...never seeing her smile, never seeing her happy, mad, upset ..never seeing her walk down the aisle or having the experience of having children of her own.... Missing her so much that it tears you up inside and that horrible pain stays with you 24/7. You hug and smell her clothes, books, favorite childhood toys. You look at her pictures and can only cry "Why my child?". You want so badly to see her face and hear her voice, but deep down inside your soul, you know that you never will again. And now, everything in your life hurts like hell!!
Most songs remind me of the hole in my heart without my Becky. You feel that pain with every breath you take. When you look at your other children, you feel the loss..there is a piece missing.
This isn`t something that mom and dad can "fix". We cannot make it better, kiss the boo-boo and put a band-aid on it. We are helpless and hopeless. Every parent will feel this.
Can you start to imagine how it feels? Imagine feeling this way day after day, week after week, year after year. No matter who are with or what you are doing, a tape of your child plays over and over in your mind....your child when she was a precious baby, when she was a laughing happy little girl, when she was a cute teenager talking about her boyfriends, and when she was a beautiful young woman. You hang on to those because you are so afraid of forgetting one single moment of her life. This is what it really feels like..a beautiful living part of you has died , gone forever. And you are still living ..left behind to pick up the pieces of your shattered life. A part of you doesn`t exist anymore and it is scary as hell!!! That is why they say that the loss of a child is like no other loss because when your child dies, a part of you dies with them. And the life you knew is gone forever...
When I hear people ask me " Are you feeling better now?" , "It`s been 5 years- you need to get on with your life" , etc... I can only shake my head and feel sad and hopeless because there is no way my life will ever be like it was when my child was alive.
A lot of parents who have lost a child isolate themselves from others...we are only trying to hold on to our sanity.
So, were you able to imagine in the past few minutes what this must feel like? One minute is too long to imagine it....I would not wish this pain on anyone..but can you imagine how life-changing this is for us parents??? Imagine feeling this way 24/7 and not getting any relief from that pain.
Now, go on...put on your favorite music and enjoy...go home and hug your children , listen to them laugh, watch them smile, smell the scent that you know is theirs alone and please don`t tell me how I should feel or that it`s unhealthy to hold on to this, because if you haven`t lost a beloved child of yours, you haven`t got a clue!!!!
Next time you hear the saying ..."The absence of her presence is everywhere" maybe you can understand....