I`ve Lost a Piece of Me
Imagine someone has opened your chest with hands like claws and in a crushing grip , grabbed your heart and ripped it from your body. But you do not die. You remain alive, in agony. An agony that will continue for the rest of your life.
This is what it feels like when your child dies. This is how I felt when my sweet daughter, Becky died.
The pain I felt when I held the limp body of my precious child in my arms was so excruciating - it`s beyond words. I couldn`t lift her head so that I could put her against my heart and feel her body so close to mine because her beautiful head was so torn up. Her skull was crushed, one side of this gorgeous girls` head was gone...
I stood cradling my beautiful child, knowing that I would never again see her sweet smile, hear her laugh, feel her lick my cheek, or hold my hand like she loved to do. I would never again hold her warm body close to me and breathe in the scent of her hair. I would never know the person she would have become. I would never see her go to college, get married, have babies of her own.
I walked from the trauma room knowing that I had seen and held my child for the last time ever. Never again will I feel "whole". A part of me went with her, and a gaping hole exists where she once stood in my life.
I asked questions that no one could answer:
Why did she die?
Why not me instead?
What if it happens again & I lose another child?
What do I do now?
I am constantly on an emotional roller coaster. One minute I am fine, and the next, I am curled up in a ball, unable to function. Just when I think I can get through one day without crying or breaking down, it hits me again. And I cry....
She`s dead! My baby is dead! My god, she is really dead.
And it starts all over again, as if it has just happened. When I go to bed at night, I beg God to not let me wake up again. I am not suicidal. I`m tired....
I have 4 boys who were so strong for me and still are. We try desperately to help each other get through this grief. We all carry our grief differently, but it`s the same unbearable loss of our sweet girl. And we all feel the same guilt - that we are still alive.
We will love her eternally
We will remember her always
We will forget her never