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Joan Pina

Memorial created 01-7-2008 by
Joan Pina
Becky Vidmosko
June 20 1985 - July 5 2003

My Sister, the Angel

 I am a young man who has lost a very important person in my life, my sister. I will never be able to see her grow except in my heart and in my memories.

 My sister, Rebecca Ann, was the sweetest girl I have ever known. She always wanted to make people laugh. And she was very affectionate towards people. We were very close when she was little and she always told me she loved me and was proud of me, especially when I decided to go into the military.

When I was at basic training she would always write to me. After a couple of years of us being apart living in different states, she was ready for her graduation from high school. She sent me a graduation announcement and asked me to come and see her. Now, I have always been proud of her but this was the proudest moment to me. She also told me of her senior prom.

Now, it was around the time of her graduation that I found out that I couldn`t go because I had a prior obligation to the Air Force, so this was after the fact that I haven`t been able to see her for a few years and I was a little upset. Then for the same reason that i missed her graduation, I missed her 18th birthday which made me really upset.

Two of the most important things in her life and I  missed them both. She was upset over it too, but it was something that couldn`t be helped because I chose to serve and I was doing it so my family would be proud of me and I could make something of my life.

Then my world came down. On July 4th, 2003- 2 wks. after her 18th birthday- my sister was involved in a fatal car accident that took her life and took her away from me and my family. And til this day, I haven`t been able to communicate this to anyone. But I miss her very much and I feel very bad that I didn`t get to see her graduate and I`ll never have that chance again.

And I have been blaming myself for the fact of not being there for her during her proudest time, when she wanted me there very much. And I can never get that back.

I`ll never forgive myself.

Tim

 

 

 

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I`ve Lost a Piece of Me

Imagine someone has opened your chest with hands like claws and in a crushing grip , grabbed your heart and ripped it from your body. But you do not die. You remain alive, in agony. An agony that will continue for the rest of your life.

This is what it feels like when your child dies. This is how I felt when my sweet daughter, Becky died.

The pain I felt when I held the limp body of my precious child in my arms was so excruciating - it`s beyond words. I couldn`t lift her head so that I could put her against my heart and feel her body so close to mine because her beautiful head was so torn up. Her skull was crushed, one side of this gorgeous girls` head was gone...

I stood cradling my beautiful child, knowing that I would never again see her sweet smile, hear her laugh, feel her lick my cheek, or hold my hand like she loved to do. I would never again hold her warm body close to me and breathe in the scent of her hair. I would never know the person she would have become. I would never see her go to college, get married, have babies of her own.

I walked from the trauma room knowing that I had seen and held my child for the last time ever. Never again will I feel "whole". A part of me went with her, and a gaping hole exists where she once stood in my life.

I asked questions that no one could answer:

Why did she die?

Why not me instead?

What if it happens again & I lose another child?

What do I do now?

I am constantly on an emotional roller coaster. One minute I am fine, and the next, I am curled up in a ball, unable to function. Just when I think I can get through one day without crying or breaking down, it hits me again. And I cry....

She`s dead! My baby is dead! My god, she is really dead. 

 And it starts all over again, as if it has just happened. When I go to bed at night, I beg God to not let me wake up again. I am not suicidal. I`m tired....

I have 4 boys who were so strong for me and still are. We try desperately to help each other get through this grief. We all carry our grief differently, but it`s the same unbearable loss of our sweet girl. And we all feel the same guilt - that we are still alive.

We will love her eternally

We will remember her always

We will forget her never

 

 

 

 

May 24, 2008

It doesn`t get better with time... it gets worse. It is so hard to go out anymore. I can`t go anywhere without running into one of Beckys friends. Some turn their heads and pretend they don`t see me, while others just run to me with a big hug. It is so bitter sweet..they have their new babies with them. One of them has named her girl Rebecca in honor of Becky, 2 others have used Beckys middle name, Ann as their girls middle name. I am so honored but at the same time I am so sad that Becky will never have her own child.

Since July 5,2007 I have been having to go through all the 5 year marks without my baby. And as the 5 year angelversary approaches, I am going through such an emotional journey. It`s so unreal and hard to describe. I feel like someone has ripped my skin off and I am nothing but one big nerve, hurting beyond imagination.

Today, there was an envelope in the mail for Becky from her dentist. It was a Birthday card. They have been sending one every year but I never let them know what happened- I don`t want the cards to stop.

I miss you sweet girl so much....

 


 

 

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